Hope Bomb

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Forgiveness has been a key component of the counselling i've been doing.

 

I hold on to a lot of guilt. I feel guilty or bad about so many things. Most of them i don't even need to. Like i said yesterday, i take in negative much more easily than positive and i hold it until i'm completely overwhelmed. Then i fall apart. Mess up.

 

What do i need to forgive myself for?

 

I need to forgive myself for not being perfect. I need to accept my limitations. I am human and flawed and i have made plenty of mistakes.

 

Mistakes can be a starting place. See it, own it, forgive it, fix the problem, move on.

 

That is my homework.

goes well with day 2

Christle's Song from jess howard on Vimeo.

 

almost two years ago. time flies.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

 

Love and hate really are strong words aren't they? It was easier for me to think about things i hate than it is to think about the things i love.

 

I've been told i'm many things over the years. Generous and kind. Those come up often. One person in college told me i was the nicest person he had ever met. I remember that. I don't often remember the positive things people say, for whatever reason those are a lot easier to forget than the hurtful things.

 

I think the thing that has gotten me furthest in life, helped me to get through hard times is my determination. I can push myself very hard. I have almost always gotten the things i've really wanted. Do i love my determination? I don't think so.

 

There is no doubt that i absolutely love my children. I made them. I grew them, i birthed them - they are of me, but they are not me.

 

One thing that has been the center of all my hopes and fears, anxiety and excitement, love and loss? My heart. My heart is the core of me. It is where i feel everything. It is what makes me whole and complete. It makes me compassionate and kind, it is the thing i am most careful of, most scared of breaking.

 

I love my heart.

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself.

 

I could take the expected route here. I know what i could say, but this is day one and i need to break this truth in slowly.

 

I could tell you that i hate my anxiety, i hate the rollercoaster ride of mental illness, i hate the length and truth of my medical record, i hate how my life unravelled, i hate how i hurt you.

 

I do hate all of those things. But, it's not a ferocious hate because all of those things have linked together to create this place i'm at right now. Bruises and all.

 

The one thing i've hated my entire life? My hair. I have coarse, thick, frizzy, curly hair. As a child i was teased relentlessly about it and truth be told? It was really bad. Back in the days before hair products my hair was a brushed out frizz bomb that looked like a giant helmet made of one of those rusty pot scrubbers.Plus, it was bright red, which at the time was not fashionable. At all.

 

Sometime around grade 10 i discovered "gel" and a hair crimper. I died my hair black and wore it straight out, crimped up. Something akin to Robert Smith. I liked it a bit better then, though it is pretty cringe worthy in photos.

 

In university i grew it out. I learned not to fight it, i embraced the curls and it was eventually super long and kind of lovely.

 

Then i had kids and cut it all off. And now it's been short for 13 years. I spend tons of money getting it cut every six weeks, coloured and, most recently, straightened. I still hate it 90% of the time.

30 days of truth

I've been having trouble with the whole writing mojo thing lately and as such have decided to follow in my lovely friends footsteps and do the 30 Days of Truth.

 

The questions are below if you want to follow along...

 

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

make a pie

 

Honestly, i think about other stuff than running. I do. Kind of.

 

Like, if i wake up naked my day is sure to be a good one. Huh? Nakedness feels good. It also means i'm not scared of my house burning down or someone robbing me. It means i'm not the only adult in the house anymore. It means i have a lover beside me. Someone to hold me and help me.

 

I've been feeling fantastic lately. My life is pretty great and for the first time in a long time i don't find myself thinking "what else is there, is this it?" Instead, i'm thinking i could live happily in this little house, in these strong arms, in this chaos.

 

Nothing is perfect. Everything is rather messy actually. We fly by the seat of our pants. It's exhausting really, this life. But it's the kind of tired that has me flying out of bed in the morning, laughing my way through the rush.

pick an apple

 

I love The National. I've seen them twice this year and, well, amazing.

 

I listen to three of their albums on shuffle pretty much every time i run. Running is happening. Slowly. My muscle power is still there, it's just the stamina/fitness level that has dropped off.

 

I'm doing the half-marathon next sunday, but it will be a battle of wills between my brain and my body. I predict many tears and probably some throwing up. Fun!

 

p.s. my comments are wonky and not working 99% of the time. i am moving over to WordPress in the next few weeks. sorry for the problems! you can email me at jesshoward(at)shaw.ca

one year

 

This time last year the insurance was being sorted out on my house and the demolition was beginning. This photo was mid october, this exact day last year the house was still sitting under tarps and waiting, waiting for Llyod's of London to give the go ahead on the policy.

 

And now i'm sitting here in my brand new bedroom with all the pretty things i picked out. It was a wild ride this past year. As october and my birthday approach i reflect on all that has happened.

 

I really have made some incredible steps forward and backward. When i ran into Neil at BlogHer his first words were; "It's been a very dramatic year for you!" And yes, yes it has.

 

This morning i was puttering about, showering, contemplating the state of my life. Shane's house is about to sell and he's bought a new one right behind mine. The idea of the purchase is he can rent it out or he can live there. We vascillate on what to do.

 

I have days where i embrace this new beginning for us and there are mornings, like today, where i question the wisdom of all this. There are moments that i miss being single. That i long for those quiet evenings alone. Where i didn't have to worry if i've been loving enough.

 

Shane says i'm self-centered. That i only think about my feelings and not those of the people around me. I'm not sure if that's right or not. Maybe i changed in our years apart. Maybe he did. I think we both did and now we are getting to know each other again. Sure, we are comfortable around each other and know most everything about the other, but. But, some things have changed forever. We no longer have a simple kind of love. It's complicated and sloppy.

 

And sometimes it's really hard. And sometimes a good wrestle makes it all okay.

gift

 

When i was a little girl i ate whatever i wanted much like my children do now. Meaning they eat lots of white food with ketchup on it. What i mean is they don't worry about calories and fat and vitamins and minerals. They know that i take care of all that for them.

 

I have been very lucky in my adult life. I have never had to worry about my weight, but i have always been a healthy eater and splurge in moderation.

 

But, i didn't really take care of myself. I didn't exercise, i didn't sleep enough, i smoked for far too long and used alcohol as a crutch through too many bad times.

 

Yesterday i was given a gift. I was given my right leg back and my goal of running a half marathon six months after i started running. I am not going to take this gift lightly. Injuring myself reminded me that this body is precious and i need to love and respect it if i want the second half of my life to be filled with beauty and joy.

 

I have done three runs now and i already feel the anxiety that was building up inside me abating. I'm going to spend the next 11 days fueling up and taking every herbal supplement available to me and i will cross that finish line - even if it takes me a whole day.

you said it and you wrote it down

 

My body is broken. Well, it's not broken, but it's not working the way i want it too. I haven't been for a proper run in weeks. I'm in physio three times a week and every single time we fix one problem something else goes wrong.

 

The well oiled machine is not what it used to be. It struck me last night, this is me getting older. This is what happens when you don't exercise for twenty years and then throw your body out on the pavement five times a week for six months. Sure it looks great and, until recently, feels great - but, it will give you the big kick in the ass at some point.

 

This is the first time i've set a goal, or seen something i want, and failed at it. I know this is all sounding overly dramatic and not that big of a deal. But, for me, this is such a huge disappointment. It's crushing me.

 

You see i used to try and keep my heart well by taking medicine or madly flailing about in the world. Bouncing from medication to medication, hiding away in my room, crying in the shower. And then i started running and i felt better. Way better. I could focus on kids and family and love without it feeling anything but great. When i am running i feel light and fast and like nothing can stop me. I feel alive.

 

I felt better than i have in my whole life. I felt like what i imagine the average person feels like. And it was awesome.

 

And so you see not running is making my heart hurt again and everything else feels a little more difficult and i'm not even sure i'm going to get better.