you said it and you wrote it down

 

My body is broken. Well, it's not broken, but it's not working the way i want it too. I haven't been for a proper run in weeks. I'm in physio three times a week and every single time we fix one problem something else goes wrong.

 

The well oiled machine is not what it used to be. It struck me last night, this is me getting older. This is what happens when you don't exercise for twenty years and then throw your body out on the pavement five times a week for six months. Sure it looks great and, until recently, feels great - but, it will give you the big kick in the ass at some point.

 

This is the first time i've set a goal, or seen something i want, and failed at it. I know this is all sounding overly dramatic and not that big of a deal. But, for me, this is such a huge disappointment. It's crushing me.

 

You see i used to try and keep my heart well by taking medicine or madly flailing about in the world. Bouncing from medication to medication, hiding away in my room, crying in the shower. And then i started running and i felt better. Way better. I could focus on kids and family and love without it feeling anything but great. When i am running i feel light and fast and like nothing can stop me. I feel alive.

 

I felt better than i have in my whole life. I felt like what i imagine the average person feels like. And it was awesome.

 

And so you see not running is making my heart hurt again and everything else feels a little more difficult and i'm not even sure i'm going to get better.

Comments

[Deanna]

When I hurt myself running several years ago, I had to resign myself to the fact that my body is not built to run six days a week. Right now I run three days a week. A moderately paced 30 minute run on Mondays, intervals on Wednesdays, and a long, slow distance run for an hour on Fridays. My body just has to have that day in between to rest. There's no shame in that. I bet I'm in better shape than most 41 year olds!

[Skye]

That really sucks. :(

[Dana]

I empathize. Completely. I went through early menopause last year and thought I was losing my mind. The only thing that provided any relief: running. Which was insane, because I hated running all my life. But it was the only thing that could calm my racing heart and mind. I hurt my knee then fought back from that injury and signed up for a half marathon. I was cruising along with the training, ticking off workouts and feeling AWESOME until I injured my heels and couldn't walk without a profound limp for three weeks. I can walk again without the gimp but the pain persists. I haven't run in months and months and, obviously, I didn't do my race. In short: it sucks! And I get you. I totally get you.

[wookie]

The only other thing I can think of to suggest is trying to figure out what it is that you love about running (exhertion? being outside?) and then find a way to get that without the part that is damaging you... maybe run on an elliptical, or switch to biking, or climbing, hiking, etc.

Until your legs actually fall off of your body, there are other things you can try.

[jen]

I am so sorry. I sort of understand because when I run, I feel so alive and wonder why I stop and get lazy and then end up crying in the shower and taking pills.
Don't give up! =)