We see the sideways glances. The knowing looks. The murmered hesitations. We know what you are thinking.
When shane and i negotiated this second attempt at reconciliation we knew people would not approve. "Why?" They would ask.
The why is simple. We love each other. We always have.
I don't need to go back and tell you about the before. Before when we were married. Before when we tried to reconcile the first time.
None of that matters in this instance. In this instance we are giving it our best shot.
And, know what, we are having a pretty damn good time doing it.
I like calling him my boyfriend.
Being together is a lot easier than not being together.
It's kind of simple. Be nice to each other, be honest with each other, want to be together and find each other super hot.
When people try and tell me what's wrong with me or how i'm feeling it drives me crazy. Mad crazy. I'm pretty introspective. I'm quiet. I don't talk very much. But, i do know one thing. I know what's wrong with me. I have spent hours, days, weeks, months, years looking at myself. Writing it all out. Making lists.
I get it. I might not see it instantly. It might take me a few days to go "oh shit, i was kind of an asshole." I might not be able to change. I might not be able to fix everything. But, i get it.
When i was a kid, a young thing, i couldn't sleep. Or, i had trouble sleeping. I was terrified of the dark. I would sit in my room, lights on, reading books and force myself to stay awake until the sun began to peak in my window. Then, only then, i would fall into a deep sleep and sleep until after noon.
Thinking about it, this must have been one summer - surely this wouldn't have worked while i was going to school.
Anyway, it drove my parents crazy. "What is wrong with you?!" I tried to tell them i was scared of the dark, but to them that was just crazy talk from their crazy daughter. "That is silly - just sleep with your light on."
The thing is it wasn't silly to me, it was terrifying. To this day i don't know what i was so scared of. It doesn't really matter and that's not even the point. I was scared and i was coping with it in my own way and it was working for me.
I have seen more counselors, therapists, psychiatrists than i can even remember. None of them have ever helped me. None of them made me feel any better or understand anything any better. If anything they gave me bad advice, turned me in the wrong direction, gave me the wrong drugs.
So, where does that leave me and what is the point of all this anyway?
Well, i sleep pretty good. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore. I can run for an hour straight. I can tell you when you're wrong.
We have been a little busy having fun. My new house is the perfect summer house. We are less than two blocks from the government dock/beach at the lake. We waddled our way through the (too short) heatwave last week by blazing a path from my front door straight down to the water.
We are perfectly freckled and water logged.
The kids can all swim now so afternoons which turn into evenings at the lake are much easier to get through because i don't have to be standing at the edge of the water keeping a constant eye.
I think my kids are pretty darn lucky to be living this life we are. They have freedoms that so many kids don't. When i'm at work one or more of them come visit pretty much every night. Picking up a scrap or two from the chefs or just hanging out with me.
My house has become a central meeting place for many of the kids on the block. It is a constant in and out of grubby hands and dirty feet.
This house feels like the place where great memories are made.
I have been the recipient of some pretty amazing generosity this year. Help has come to me in kind words, a warm gesture, a hug and even money. All of us have our own struggles and all of us need to ask for help at some point in our lives.
If you needed something from me i hope you would ask.
When i received money to buy myself some running shoes it was overwhelming. The gratitude, being humbled, feeling special - a tidal wave of emotion. And look at what those running shoes have done for me? Pretty amazing.
Both of the women who gave me money talked about "paying it forward" and karma. This week i have had two opportunities to do just that. As summer swings in i am making way more money courtesy of the tourists and had a little to spare. Perhaps you could support one of these two things.
Gwendomomma has been a friend of mine for five or more years and has been going through some really difficult times. Three years ago when i didn't have a credit card to get a room at BlogHer she jumped out of nowhere and hooked me up. I'll never forget that.
Black Hockey Jesus is running a billion miles for Tanner. Tanner is dying. It's pretty horrible, but this is something we can all do. I'm going to run too. I'm hoping to do three 5K's to show my support.
I hope you might be able to too!
I ran ten kilometers this afternoon in 56 minutes. Wow, i feel kind of happy about that.
It would seem, knock on wood, that summer has finally arrived here on the west coast. That is a really good thing because we've spent the first two weeks of summer vacation in the house. Every art project is done, every room has been cleaned and cakes and cookies have been made. I'm ready to blow open the doors and let the summer in and the kids out.
In one month i will be visitng New York for the first time in my life and running a race in Central Park - how cool is that. This second half of 2010 has been treating me quite nicely.
I had a little half awake half asleep dream last night about all the amazing people i have met because of this blog and my online presence for the past ten years. It got me a little weepy in a warm way. I'm really looking forward to seeing my friends at BlogHer again. I'm not a very good planner and have by now mastered my arrive at the conference and let what happens happen agenda. It's worked out pretty good so far.
56 minutes. Wow.
On being sick and grumpy...
I want to sleep for a week and not have to worry about lost income or taking care of kids.
I want to punch my childless co-workers who call in sick at the drop of a hat.
Coughing fits in the middle of the night leave my heart pounding and my head screaming.
It feels more like october than july and that is just dumb.
I turned the heat on last night - that is more than dumb.
I want to go on a holiday for three weeks and watch my kids frolic in the cool blue Atlantic Ocean.
I would like, very much, to have a housecleaner who cleans behind the fridge and stove.
I will never put off bathroom breaks at work ever again. Ever!
Cat hair on my pillow drives me crazy.
I really need to go running, but my body won't let me.
I want a cold medicine that actually works.
I am a grump when i'm sick