There is one thing i am very good at. I'm good at doing all the wrong things to try and ease my broken brain. It's not broken, it's just not right. The doctors tell me i'm bi-polar, sometimes they tell me i'm just depressed, or just anxious. Sometimes they tell me i'm just fine. Sometimes they look at me with great concern, or perhaps relief.
I'm not very good at taking care of my head. I try and i often fail. That became apparent over the winter. I was doing fine, but not really. I was coping. Coping by self-medicating or staying up all night. Keeping myself occupied with books or music or boys. Avoiding the loud rush that was getting louder in my head.
Sure i took my Holy Basil and my vitamins. That was about it. Days on end without food or sleep. Unhealthy. All around. Mind, body and soul - all a little bit broken.
And then my grandpa committed suicide. It sparked a fever in me. I wanted to make it right. Make me right. To not be this broken little person any longer.
I peeled away the layers. Looked at all the festering little sores and decided to fix as much as possible.
I removed some people from my life and added one important new one. I asked my ex-husband to give me one more chance. To give me the chance to change, to open up, to be a better person. I came to him completely open. Free from secrets and lies. Letting myself be the me i used to be. Or maybe the me i was meant to be. It may not work out, but i'm pretty sure it will. And it feels really good right now. It feels good to laugh and cry, to be held, to be loved.
I was gifted some running shoes. I have been running and running and running. Perhaps another way of self-medicating, or being obsessive. I don't know. All i know is when i run, my mind opens up, The rushing stops. My heart races, my chest heaves and my body burns. I feel alive, i feel on fire. I feel like i could run forever. Like if i keep going i am eventually going to find me, or perhaps leave all the bad bits behind me. A trail of worry and anxiety falling in my tracks.
I am trying something new. I am trying to be healthy. To be good and kind. To be generous and loving. To be greedy with myself. To give myself energy and time and freedom. Freedom doesn't mean being alone, i used to think that. Freedom means making life happen.